this blog has moved!

 Hi,

 I have announced it before but from today this blog will only be published on the new website

Safehaventherapy

Here you can view my blogposts. New feature. Also in Dutch!

Het nieuwe blog is ook in het Nederlands te lezen. Safehaventherapy

I hope to see you at the new blog!

Mieke

Qi Gong and chronic pain

This is really part 2 in my Qi Gong story and it will not be the last part! Last week I wrote about how I  started out and how much I liked it. As I have chronic pain problems myself in shoulders, neck and arms I was amazed how well I was doing the first 2 weeks I was practising.

That was when an old enemy reared it’s ugly head. Overconfidence. Even for me it is hard to stick to the guidelines of being gentle to my body and not overdoing it under certain circumstances. Maybe they are familiar?

•    I have been doing this for a while now and all is going well, I can move ahead faster.
•    When in a group and there are people who are older than me, or other people with health issues I get the urge to do better.

The last one is a problem for me, I know intellectually that it is wrong and silly but often the body just wants to compete.

This happened a week ago during class. As so often my pain warnings don’t come at once but boy did they come that night! A sleepless night with headaches and severe pain in my shoulders.

At this point it is so easy to give up. To say, ‘See this is not right for me after all. My body can’t take this.”
If that happens to you, be honest. It is not the Qi Gong that made me feel bad, it were my own thoughts about how I wanted to behave. So I did not quit and did very gentle exercises that week, respecting my body.

During the next lesson I was honest and told the group what had happened and what had triggered it. This has the advantage that now the teacher and the other group members will help me not to over perform as well.

Needless to say this week’s lesson went a lot better and I have learnt some valuable lessons.
•    Respect your body
•    Take it easy and stick to your schedule, even if you think you can do more
•    Don’t go it alone, inform others of your weak points and ask for help! Or     ask a friend to give you honest and critical advice.

I would love to read other people’s experiences in this area.

Qi Gong

I might have mentioned before that for me the hardest part of healthy living is excersise. I never used to be good in sports and I just don’t enjoy most exercise. And if you don’t enjoy something it is much harder to keep it up. Something you enjoy hardly seems an effort and time flies. But do something you dislike and that clock just seems to crawl.

But now I think I have found a solution. Thanks to the suggestion of a good friend I tried a trial session of Qi Gong. Officially Chi Neng Qi Gong. It is really a combination of gentle movement and meditation. While you move you are quiet and listen to relaxing music but your attention is directed inwardly.  The trial session was a big success and I have made the decision to do a ten part course. So far we have had two lessons and I have enjoyed going there. I even enjoy doing the exercises at home every day! For me that is a big thing. It is not strenuous but I am doing something for my body every day.

Chi Neng Qi Gong has a healing effect as well. It was invented by a doctor in China who ran a hospital that did not use medication. Yet 95% of all patients who came to him recovered with Chin Neng. Some patients were very ill and could not do the exercises. The power of Chi Neng is that even if you cannot move much, if you visualise yourself doing the exercises it has the same effect. So on a bad day you can chose to do that. That makes it very accessible for people with chronic pain complaints.

What I am trying to say is that there is something out there for everyone. You don’t have to do Qi Gong, but do have a look around and try to find something that you would enjoy doing. It is important that when you start working out, that you don’t expect too much of yourself at the start. Don’t set your goals too high and even if your goals are reasonable, do not get angry with yourself if you are not able to make them. Doing something is better than doing nothing, and positive energy makes you happier.

So what do you do to keep your body in shape and why does it work for you? I look forward to hearing from you.

Holiday season survival tips

It's that time of the year again. Holiday season! The time of year people expect you to be happy and in good cheer. How many people really talk about the holiday stress of having to get everything done: shopping, decorating, Christmas cards.

Now as this is stressful for the general population, you can imagine how much harder it is going to be for Highly sensitive people or those coping with pain. More often than usual you don't want to show your family and friends how stressed you are and of course everything you do has to be perfect. :)

Yet I tell you it is time to change. It is hard to hear, but don't try to be perfect, good is good enough.

Here are some plans to get through the holiday season  with less stress and more enjoyment

• Plan! Plan! Plan! Start your preparations early! Best is to make a plan of all you have to do and leave yourself plenty of free time for days that you are really not up to doing anything.
• Prioritise, go through your Christmas card list and ask yourself do you really need to send them all? Did everyone return your cards last year? Could you just send some people an online card? The same with sending parcels. Does it give you stress or pleasure?
• Delegate! Delegate! Delegate. Listen carefully, you do not have to do everything on your own. Family and friends are capable of helping and often they are glad to help you. They would rather see you happy and doing less than miserable when doing everything on your own. A hard thing to get for us perfectionists.
• Say no. If you are not up for family visits Christmas eve and/or both days of Christmas, don't do it. Think of yourself first.

 I know this is not as easy as it sounds. You don't want to let anyone down. But keep in mind, if you try to please everyone around you, you are going to be the one ending up in pain and with a lot of stress. Look after yourself first.

Let me know if you have any holiday tips and success stories of managing your stress in this last month of the year.
 

The new website

I am still working on the new webpage and right now that takes up a lot of my time. Sorry but I am not ready to share it with you just yet, but on the left you will get a sneak peak on how it will turn out. Over the next couple of days [and weeks] I will be adding content to it. It is my intent to have a lot of resources there for highly sensitive people and those learning to adjust with chronic pain. [If there is something you would like me to include please send me a message or a comment here. 
good ideas are always welcome.] So my blog posts the coming weeks might be a little short. I promise that I will make up for that when the new site is up and running.

how much to share with clients?

 Irvin Yalom's books inspired me long before I became a counsellor. I think I picked up the first book I read by him during the mid nineties. And since then I have read most of his books. 


One that really struck a cord was "The gift of therapy" which I have reread a couple of times since buying it several years ago. In this book Yalom shares some of his wisdom with therapists who are just starting out.


The great thing about this book is that it shows the therapist as a human being with faults and worries of his own. I like how he writes about himself and dares to be vulnerable. 

There is always the debate of how much therapists should share with clients. Should they share if there is something going on in their life? Should they tell a client if they have been through something similar as the client is facing right now? That is an ever ongoing debate. As I work with client groups who are going through the same thing I have gone through [being highly sensitive & living with chronic pain] I do share when it comes to those areas. Also because it is relevant to therapy. But there is a fine line between not sharing enough and sharing too much about your private life and one that we always have to keep in mind.


And yet I am an admirer of the kinds of books written by therapist who do share some of their lives with us. Another great favoriet of mine is "The unquiet mind" written by Kay Redfield Jamison in which a psychiatrist openly talks about her own struggle with being manic depressive. 


I think that if a therapist is at ease with what has happened in his or her life and worked through it and found balance it can often be a great bonus when this is used in therapy. As long as she is always critical of why she is sharing certain info with clients and to make sure that is has value.

enJOY

I am now in week two of the practice building conference 2011. And it is bringing me so much. Wonderful presentations and networking with other counsellors. One thing is clear, we are all out there to do the best job we can online in helping people and doing that in an ethical way. That is what brought me the most joy during the first week.

That is what stayed with me from one of the talks last week. Enjoying and looking at the bright side of life is not always easy for those in constant pain or those highly sensitive people out there who are always bombarded with new information. And yet it is the essense of life! Look at what works in your life not at what doesn't work. I know this is not always easy an I am not saying that I succeed every day. I will say that it has enriched my life and makes me feel much more content even on the bad days.

This always makes me feel joy

The presentation mentioned a very easy and fast excersise to keep you focussed on the joy.
At the end of the day just sit and write down 5 things that you have been grateful for that day. Those can be simple thoughts or much deeper thoughts

• I am grateful the sun is shining
• I am grateful that I did not lose my temper
• I am grateful that I enjoyed the company of friends today despite the pain
• I am grateful that the train was on time and got me to my destination on time despite the huge crowds

focussing on the good and not lingering in the bad or even feeling like a 'victim'makes such a difference in day to day life. It only takes a few minutes a day, why not give it a try?
 

Find your passion

Passion: Why is that so important to us? Feeling passionate about something makes us feel happy and belong to something.

That is of course important to everybody but I would say even more so for people who are highly sensitive and those with pain problems. Let me list just a few of the adavantages of doing something you feel passionate about.

• It distracts from every day life
• When you do something you really like you feel less pain
• espcially when done together it is good for social interaction and making new friends
• being active makes you feel better about yourself
• Something to look forward to on bad days

 Now how do you find a passion like that?



If you don't have hobbies [or gave them up because they became physically impossible/cost too much energy] make a list of things you would enjoy. For now don't look at the practical side just write it down.

After you have made your list, and take your time in doing so, pick out the things that appeal to you most. We will concentrate on those.

You should now have a peace of paper with a few things on it that appeal to you. Somehow you stopped doing them or never tried them in the first place.

• Look and write down what it would take to do them. 
• Maybe you have to start slower then you did in the past
• with some addaptions you might be able to do it
• ask for help! You will be amazed how many people are willing to help if you just ask them something that is reasonable
• Inform if organisations have something in place to help the disabled
• etc

 I would like to give an example of something that is one of my passions. Going to medieval and fantasy fairs. Last weekend I went to the elf fantasy fair in Arcen.This is a pretty huge gathering that is held twice a year and at first such a crowd doesn't seem the ideal place for somebody is highly senstive and picks up energies of others in a crowd.

This is what I do to make it right for me:

• I make sure that I do not travel on the day of the fair [or if it is close just a small amount of travel]
• If I have to travel under half an hour I will ask friends if we can share a ride as public transport takes a lot of energy
• In case I do get overwhelmed I find a quiet spot to sit for a while and ground myself
• Take plenty of rest breaks sitting down to gather my energy
• Spend the day in good company
• Make sure I eat and drink enough
• Go home when I feel it has been enough

This is just an example. But one I like to use because the atmosphere here is so relaxed. The age range varies from babies to retired people. All kind of costumes. And everybody is accepted for what and who they are. No costume gets laughed at and people of all ages and body types do walk around in costumes. 




So what is your passion? How did you find it and what is so special about it to you?


 
 

Book review :Me and my pain

A little while ago I was looking around a website that sold cheaper e-books. A friend had given me this tip. The website is called smashwords and indeed it has lower priced and even free e-books in many categories and e-book formats. While I was filling in the keywords that interrest me, I came across the following book.
"Me and my pain - the challenges of living with chronic pain" by Abbey Strauss. As it was only 2$ and it seemed pretty interresting I decided to download it and give it a try.

I must say those were 2$ well spend. This book really focusses on one of the challenges of living with pain. And that is the challenge of making people [especially doctors] believe in our pain. With so many of us you don't see on the outside that we are almost always in pain. And medical tests can't find a reason for the pain. How often have you heard "Maybe it is more a mental problem", seen in doctor's eyes that they don't really believe you. In this book is advocated for doctors and patients to be honest to each other and to believe in one another. Pain that is not understood and not acknowledged can drive people to suicide. Patients can feel they have tried anything and nobody understands what is going on.

The sections on addiction are really strong. A lot of pain patients are wronly labeled addicts because they take a lot of painkillers to get through the day. He explains very well that this is not the case. If the pain would go away so would the painkillers. 

I found the following section of the book very striking.

These are the rules a patient must

follow:

Pain patients can’t have personality

disorders; if they do then the pain is not quite as real.

Pain patients can’t be depressed over their

stations in life; if they weren’t as depressed, then the pain would

be less.

Pain patients can’t be angry at, or want

compensation from, those who wrongly injured them; if they do then

the pain is not as quite as real, or it is amplified just so they

can get a larger money settlement.

Pain patients can’t have insomnia; the reason

they can’t sleep is because they have not learned enough

self-hypnosis or haven’t accepted their condition.

Pain patients can’t have anxiety or phobic

disorders requiring certain medications; they aren’t allowed to

have more than one curse in life needing treatment.

Pain patients can’t have different or

individual medication tolerances; if they do not fit within the

normal dosing ranges, then they are addicts or placebo

responders.

Pain patients can’t have more pain than the

doctor allows; if they do then they are manipulative.

Pain patients can’t have good moods; they

have to be miserable and complaining all the time.

Pain patients have to always be sick; they

can’t have good days and bad days.

Pain patients can’t have a good day without

everyone thinking the patient is finally learning to live with the

pain, or that the pain is at last vanishing forever.

Pain patients can’t disappoint people by

having a bad day after a good day.

Pain patients can’t look good; if they look

good, then the pain can’t be so disabling or menacing.

Pain patients can’t respond to hope when they

get good news; their demeanor cannot improve or change because to

do so lessens the believability of the pain’s intensity, constancy,

intolerance, and presence.

Pain patients can’t be skeptical; they aren’t

allowed to question new or proposed treatment decisions based on

their real prior experiences as pain patients.

Pain patient’s can’t have other people steal

their medications; being victimized, even one time, by a theft is

too quickly considered as an indicator of the patient’s

irresponsibility, even for those who are generally very

responsible patients.

Pain patients have to be average; if they are

too smart then they are too ‘pushy’.

Pain patients can’t be normal like the rest

of us; why should they find it easier to deal with pain, or even

stop smoking cigarettes, than anyone else?

Pain patients can’t believe in alternative

life styles; if they do then they cannot be as trusted, or they

might be considered as odd or eccentric. Such eclecticism can be

initially spooky and uncomfortable for many who treat these

patients.

Pain patients can’t be diagnostic oddities;

if their illness can’t be labeled, then it’s too quickly re-painted

as psychosomatic.

Pain patients can’t be picky; they aren’t

allowed to want other than second string doctors.

Pain patients can’t take up too much of the

doctor’s time; if they do then they might become too erudite,

insistent, or burdensome, and this may frighten the doctor

away.

Pain patients can’t shop, cook and clean; if

they do then they are not in that much pain—but, by the way, who

will do these chores for them?

Pain patients have to like everyone the

insurance company sends to care for them; if they don’t like

everyone, then they are obviously non-cooperative and

thankless.

Pain patients have to be meek; if they

aren’t, then they don’t genuinely treasure all the good that others

are trying to do for them.

Pain patients can’t know their history better

than their records; they aren’t supposed to be upset when wrong or

incomplete data and inaccurate conclusions are put into their

medical records.

Pain patients can’t feel the double bind: “if

I tell him the other doctors were wrong then he’ll think I’m too

much of a smart ass, but if I don’t tell him how the other doctors

were wrong, then we may start with the wrong clinical impression

of me, which is why I am here in the first place, to have a doctor

get it right....”

Pain patients have to know magic; they are

expected to take the cash won in a lawsuit, wrap it around the

painful part of their bodies, and make the pain go away. They are

the only people for whom money can buy happiness or cure pain.

Pain patients have to get better; if they

don’t, then doctors may not continue to treat them for the parts of

the problem that don’t get better.

Pain patients have to ‘learn to get used to

it’; this must be done with the same enthusiasm, gusto and

savoir-faire of someone getting used to being poor.

Pain patients can’t answer ‘how are you?’

with ‘fine’; for to say ‘fine’ is thought to mean that they are

better.

Pain patients can’t choose to sacrifice; if

they ever do something one day because of the emotional joy of

doing it despite the pain penalty payable afterwards, then they

can’t obviously be in that much pain.

Pain patients have to perfect; I guess that

means they can’t be human.

I don't think the situation here in Europe when it comes to getting the right medication is as bad as it is in the US. But still I found this very striking.

All in all I thought the book was a bit too long and there was a bit of repetition and the examples of people in trouble about getting the right medication went on and on. But in the end it was a very usefull book. It strongly advocates the rights of pain patients to be believed and to be helped! Every person has the right to the best life they can lead. For me that means pain patients have the right to medication they truly need and help from therapists to help them get the most out of life under difficult circumstances.

How to cope with loss

Image via Wikipedia

Back in May I attended a workshop on how to deal with loss. When I just started my training I used to think that loss only meant dealing with the loss of a loved one. But my training showed me how important dealing with loss really is. And this workshop helped to remind me once more.

The workshop was in Dutch given by Riet Fiddelaers who specialises in dealing with loss and grief.If you read Dutch it is well worth it to have a look around her site.  There is a section with usefull downloads in Dutch. The thing I came away with most is that loss and grieving are such broad terms and all of us have to deal with it at one time or another. I am not just talking about grieving a loved one. But also for example:

• The loss of health [through accident or illness]
• Loss of status [through losing a job]
• Loss of house [moving or dissasters]
• For children loss of family [through divorce]

And these are only a few examples. People deal with loss in different ways and most of us do not need help in dealing with loss. And yet there are many people who do, who have never learnt to grieve for what they lose. Many were not allowed to do so when they were young. And now in later life they get into emotional trouble because there is no closure. They experience grief in their lives and do not know how to move on.

As I work a lot with people in chronic pain this is an issue that comes up a lot. People try to stay strong and try to forget the bad parts. I applaud looking at life in a positive way. And yet you will often find that acceptance and moving on are made much easier by facing what you have lost. To acknowledge it and work through it until you find closure. It will probably still be there somewhere in your life, but you have given it a place and you are now able to focus on the future.

To end this week something completely unrelated. I have mentioned Tilt magazine before. This issue offers an article I participated in. Read here if you would like to see an example of how I work in text chat.

on writing an e-book

Image via Wikipedia

I have taken the plunge and have started working on an e-book. Over the years I have taken in so much information on both my specialty subjects Being Highly Sensitive and Living with chronic pain. Through reading online, reading books, talking to others and a lot through experiencing and growing from that experience myself. I feel now it is time to share with others. Some content I will put on my website [or also put on my website] yet there is only so much you can put on there before it becomes too much. And if you are like me you might not like to read from a screen for too long. With an e-book you have everything in one place and you can read it from either your computer screen or an I-pad or e-reader. [I must say I am quickly becoming addicted to my e-reader]

Next came the question what to write about? In my case rather what to write about first. And I have decided the first e-book will be for people with chronic pain. It is a group I feel so passionate about and whom I want to give easier guidelines then I had myself when I was faced with it over 10 years ago. So in the e-book I will cover such topics as:

• When is pain chronic?
• a pain-chart
• Become an expert when it comes to YOU!
• How to be possitive about life
• Setting goals 
• Protect your boundaries
• Good books on pain management 

Any good idea's? Please share them with me.

A very basic free edition should be finished soon, this will give people an idea of what to expect. The full version will take a little longer as I myself am now very capable in staying within my own boundaries and not get carried away with enthusiasm.

Related articles

• Myths About Treating Chronic Pain (webmd.com)
• Is Your Pain Acute or Chronic? (webmd.com)
• Chronic Pain: One of Our Costliest Health Problems (time.com)

Things to come...

Things to come... 

Last week I asked friends what they would like to find on a website if they were looking for a coach/counsellor. I can keep adding what I like, but I would rather that it gives the reader what they are looking for. So keep an eye on my safe haven website as well as this blog for many new additions. To give you an idea of things to come:

• More factual information on what it means to be Highly Sensitive or to live with Chronic pain.
• When is pain chronic?
• Tips on conserving energy
•  Book tips
• Pain diary [track your pain through the day]
• Mood tracker
• online diary

And much much more. If you have ideas of what you would like to see included here, just tell me. Who knows your idea might very well make it to my websites.

The season is changing

I guess for most people reading this, it is the time of year were summer if finally definately over and winter is not too far off. For a lot of people it is a hard time of the year to deal with. They find it dificult that the days are getting shorter and colder. Therefore it is no big surprise that a lot of seasonal depression start in the autumn when the leaves begin to fall.

What can you do to defend yourself against these feelings? Especially for those with chronic complaints the long winter can seem daunting yet there are things you can do to protect yourself as much as you can.

• Eat healthy foods

• Take supplements when needed

• Warm clothes [if muscles are your weak point, keep them warm]

• Use hot water bottles or gelpacks to make sure you bed is nice and warm when you step in.

• If the loss of light hits you hard use daylight therapy to make up for it.

• Pamper yourself by taking long baths or showers or get a massage

Allow yourself to set a slower pace. Accept that winter is tougher than summer and don't be angry if you can do less. Focus on what you still can do and enjoy that to the fullest.

If after all your precautions the sniffels and the coughs do get you, remember you did the best you could. Now allow yourself a few days to let your body heal.  Have plenty of tissues on hand, nice big mugs of hot tea and other treats and make the best of it. Watch that nice movie you did not have time to before, read a book and if you can't concentrate too long, listen to your favorite music and recharge.


And remember every day spring is a day closer! And yes there is much in winter to enjoy as well if you open your mind to it.

Speech recognition

One of the challenges of a physical disabilies is finding a way around them, so you can continue to enjoy life to the fullest. It is one of my 'jobs' as a counsellor for people to terms with chronic pain. It is a road I have travelled myself, so I understand the frustrations and the anger and yes, also the despair. We all have days were you think it is never going to get better. Those are the days it helps to talk to a friend or a counsellor and that different perspective can give you ideas to go on and to see the fun again.

What changed my life and made studying and later work possible again is a program called Dragon Naturally Speaking. My problem was that suddenly writing and typing were much more difficult. And writing had always been the way I expressed myself. I certainly was not about to give that up, so thanks to the internet I started to look for ways around my problem. Soon I found a program called Dragon Naturally Speaking, and it became my lifeline. Through the years I have gone through a couple of versions, every version more accurate were I can just talk to my computer in both Dutch and English and the program translates my words to text with little or no mistakes. These days I can type again on most days, but it is such a comfort to know that my program is there on the computer for the hard days.


That is what is all about, finding the little things that make life easier, knowing the support is there, knowing your limits and within those limits: ENJOY!